The multitude of emotions that come with a breakup can be hard to put into words, but it seemed to be easier for many of this year’s Grammy-nominated artists.
Olivia Rodrigo, in “Vampire,” touches on the disgust that comes from betrayal: “You made me look so naive / The way you sold me for parts / As you sunk your teeth into me.”
SZA, in “Kill Bill,” explores the revenge fantasy of killing an ex: “I might kill my ex, but I still love him / I’d rather be in jail than alone.”
Miley Cyrus, on “Flowers,” sings about the revelation that happiness doesn’t come from an outside source: “I started to cry, but then I remembered / I can buy myself flowers.”
In these chillingly personal post-breakup songs, all nominated for Record of the Year and Song of the Year at the 66th Grammy Awards, three women wrestle with the idea of giving up so much of yourself — witnessing yourself you. even — for a relationship, and then experiences rebirth.
Indeed, 2023 was the year of young women spilling their guts. (SZA’s album “SOS,” a sad girl anthology, topped the Billboard chart for 10 weeks after its December 2022 release and earned more nominations at Sunday’s Grammys than any other artist this year.) The diary-like narrative nature of their music, these women projected graphic images of romantic discontent. They looked inward, communicated and processed their feelings through art.
The lyrical messages in many of their songs reflect today’s dating landscape, which Damona Hoffman, a dating coach in Los Angeles, said is fast-paced — thanks in large part to the myriad ways people can meet online — and full of intense feelings as a result.
“You feel the highs and the lows more intensely,” said Ms. Hoffman, who recently published a book, “F the Fairy Tale,” drawing on her 17 years as a dating coach. These emotional extremes, he added, can lead many to seek solace. Listening to music (or even writing it) is one way of coping.
Sylka Feliciano, 23, was dealing with relationship problems when “SOS” came out. Ms. Feliciano, a student at the California Institute of the Arts, was writing a paper when the album dropped and heard the album on Apple Music. He would then play it on repeat for days.
“I cried multiple times a day, every day, for months,” Ms. Feliciano said. She eventually decided her relationship wasn’t meeting her needs, she said, and broke up with her partner a few weeks later.
Sad love songs can also articulate feelings that help people better connect with their feelings. Jerusalem Truth, a 24-year-old writer from Brooklyn, said SZA’s song “I Hate You” was “affirming in a really necessary way” because she always felt like she had to handle breakups with grace. Hearing the song was cathartic and helped her realize that it’s okay to be angry.
“It’s like, no, I hate you,” she said. “I’m upset and angry.”
Austin Spero, a 26-year-old social media manager in Manhattan, said sad music helps him feel less alone. His most streamed song of 2023 was “Flowers”. “Vampire” was in his top 10.
He remembered the first time he heard “Vampire”: Arguing over text with a man he had divorced. “At that moment, I felt so vindicated,” Mr. Spero said. “I felt so angry and felt empowered to feel confident in my decisions.”
But sometimes, listening to sad love songs can feel very … sad.
A number of studies, including one published in the Journal of Popular Music Studiesthey have were found that songs have become sadder in recent decades both lyrically (in terms of the emotions conveyed) and musically (incorporating slower tempos, minor keys and other acoustic elements that are indicative affliction).
When Ms. Truth stood up on a date recently, she said she resisted the urge to exploit the frustration through music. “Am I going to put on my SZA and reinforce these feelings to myself?” he said. “Or will I seek positive reinforcement?”
“I think most people are tired, and rightfully so,” Ms. Truth said of the dates. But the fact that artists and fans are turning to music to understand how and why their encounters with love have affected them has given her hope.
After standing up, Ms. Truth finally decided to curate a playlist that exemplified the dating experiences she hopes to have. It features older songs from the “Rent” soundtrack and artists Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill.
“I don’t hear people singing a lot right now about the kind of dating experience I want to have,” Ms. Truth said. “Well I went back and found it.”