When surgeon general Vivek Murthy went on a nationwide college tour last fall, he started hearing the same kind of question over and over again: How are we supposed to connect with each other when no one talks anymore?
At a time when participation in community organizations, associations and religious groups has decreased, and more social interaction occurs online rather than in person, some young people they mention levels of loneliness which, in previous decades, were usually associated with older adults.
It is one of the many reasons that loneliness has become a problem both at the beginning and at the end of our lives. In one study published last Tuesday in the journal Psychological Science, researchers found that loneliness follows a U-shaped curve: Beginning in young adulthood, self-reported loneliness tends to decrease as people approach middle age only to increase again later in life of 60 years, which becomes particularly intense from around 80.
While everyone can experience loneliness, including middle-aged adultspeople in midlife may feel more socially connected than other age groups because they frequently interact with coworkers, spouses, children and others in their community — and those relationships may feel stable and fulfilling, said Eileen K. Graham, associate professor of medical social sciences at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and lead author of the study.
As people get older, those opportunities can “start to disappear,” he said. In the study, which looked at waves of data spanning several decades, starting as early as the 1980s and ending in 2018, participants at both ends of the age spectrum were more likely to agree with statements such as: “I miss I have people around me’ or ‘My social relationships are superficial’.
“We have social muscles as well as physical muscles,” Dr. Murthy said. “And those social muscles weaken when we don’t use them.”
When left unchecked, loneliness can be dangerous to our physical and mental health and has been linked to problems such as heart disease, dementia and suicidal ideation.
Dr Graham and other social connection experts said there were small steps we could take at any age to foster a sense of belonging and social connection.
Do a relationship check.
“Don’t wait until old age to discover you’re missing a good quality social network,” said Louise Hawkley, a researcher who studies loneliness at NORC, a social research organization at the University of Chicago.. “The longer you wait, the harder it becomes to make new connections.”
Studies show that most people benefit from having at least four to six close relationships, said Julianne Holt-Lunstad, professor of psychology and neuroscience and director of the Lab on Social Connection and Health at Brigham Young University.
But it’s not just quantity that matters, he added, it’s also variety and quality.
“Different relationships can satisfy different kinds of needs,” Dr. Holt-Lunstad said. “Just like you need a variety of foods to get a variety of nutrients, you need a variety of types of people in your life.”
Ask yourself: Are you able to rely on and support the people in your life? And are your relationships mostly positive rather than negative?
If so, it’s a sign that these relationships are beneficial to your mental and physical well-being, she said.
Join a group.
Research has shown that poor health, living alone and having less close family and friends account for the increase in loneliness after about the age of 75.
But isolation isn’t the only thing that contributes to loneliness – in young and old, loneliness comes from a disconnect between what you want or expect from your relationships and what those relationships provide.
If your network is shrinking — or if you’re feeling unsatisfied with your relationships — seek out new connections by joining a community group, participating in a social sports league or volunteering, which can provide a sense of meaning and purpose, Dr. Hockley said.
And if one type of volunteering isn’t satisfying, don’t give up, she added. Try another guy instead.
Joining organizations that interest you can provide a sense of belonging and is a way to speed up the process of connecting personally with like-minded people.
Limit social media.
Jean Twenge, social psychologist and author of “Generations,” found in her research that heavy Social media use is linked to poor mental health — especially among girls — and that smartphone access and internet use “increased teenage loneliness”.
Instead of defaulting to an online chat or just reacting to someone’s post, you can suggest hooking up for a meal — no phones allowed.
And if a text message or social media interaction is long or involved, jump into a real-time chat by texting “Can I call you quick?” said Dr. Twenge.
Finally, Dr. Holt-Lunstad suggested asking a friend or family member to go for a walk instead of online mail. Not only is the ride free, but it has the added benefit of providing fresh air and exercise.
Take the initiative.
“Often, when people feel alone, they may be waiting for someone else to reach out to them,” said Dr. Holt-Lunstad. “It can be very difficult to ask for help or even just initiate a social interaction. You feel very vulnerable. What if they say no?’
Some people may feel more comfortable reaching out to others with an offer of help, he added, because it helps you focus “outward instead of inward.”
Small acts of kindness will not only preserve but also strengthen your relationships, experts said.
For example, if you like to cook, offer to drop off food for a friend or family member, Dr. Twenge said.
“You’ll not only strengthen a social connection, but you’ll get the mood boost that comes from helping,” she added.